Over the holidays, the cats and dogs got up to mischief. In particular, Ruby, the Springer Spaniel belonging to my good friend and fellow writer Lisa Meltzer Penn, sent a missive to my Tabby, Joshua. I almost didn’t let him read it. But then I relented, and of course, he had to respond. You can read what Ruby had to say over at Lisa’s blog.
To whom it may concern:
First of all, what is with this “invitation” thing? Yeah, this dog “Ruby” may have started blogging a while ago but it was my human (I am not going to stoop to calling her my “mother”) who had the idea of an interspecies conversation. But I am big enough to overlook that.
I am also big enough to overlook the many jabs and insults that appear in the invitation. To protect and defend my honor, not to mention the honor of my species, I’ll address each point in turn. Which, I may say, is a more dignified (and feline) approach than jumping around from idea to idea.
1. On the matter of my name.
This Ruby claims that “Joshua” is not a “real” cat name. Well, first of all, does she believe that I picked it myself? I most certainly did not. Like all creatures, even human children, I had my moniker bestowed upon me (does this Ruby even know the word moniker? It seems dog vocabulary might leave something to be desired, but she can always go look it up if need be. Or ask her writer-mother). Whatever she thinks of my name, it’s not my fault. Plus, what kind of name is Ruby for a dog?
2. Ruby seems to believe that the adjectives she has chosen to describe me are somehow insulting.
Fat. Lazy. Hairball. Oh, dear Ruby, you need some education in all things cat. Fat and lazy are the very essence of cat-being, the adjectives to which all self-respecting felines aspire. Especially those blessed to be housed. Of course, the unhoused cats, who must prowl the neighborhood finding their own dinners and making their own beds are not nearly so lucky. Believe me, I know the good fortune that allows me to be fat and lazy. As for comparing me to a hairball… well, those are rather nasty, so I’ll thank you to dispense with the name-calling if we are to continue our correspondence.
3. Yes, my attitude toward cars is completely opposite to yours.
You say you enjoy the experience of riding in one. The only time I am ever put into the car is to make a trip to the veterinarian to receive some terrible insult upon my person, such as a jab with a needle or a look inside my ears. And although I occasionally enjoy escaping outside when one of my humans accidentally leaves the door open, I am firmly wedded to my territory. I do not enjoy traveling outside it.
4. You insult my senses.
My senses are cut down to size, you say, by being inside. Ah, but my kingdom is here, in these rooms, and here I have all that I need or ever will need. I do not require the stimulation of the outside world to live and dream. Only a patch of sun and a soft couch.
I will wrap up this rebuttal. It feels good to explain myself, and I believe I would enjoy continuing. So, much as it pains me to say it… invitation accepted.
Your reluctant correspondent,
P.S. If you are not too busy spewing stereotyped insults and charging off in various directions after titillating scents, perhaps we will, by dint of our correspondence, reach some greater understanding of one another. And perhaps our discourse might serve as an example for humans whose minds are not so open as yours and mine.
P.P.S. My human says that if you are looking for some new books you can visit this page where authors are giving away copies of their books. To be honest I am not sure why they would give their books away although I suppose it is rather like what I might do if I owned a kibble company. I would feed you something yummy for free and when you came back for more I would ask you to pay.
P.P.P.S. Another thing I learned from my human is that I am not the only blogging cat. Perhaps one of the others would like to strike up a correspondence with me, so I may be spared the tedium of explaining myself only to a paw-pal of the canine variety.
Vivian (hosted by her human, Jennifer Kelland Perry)
RC Cat (hosted by Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge)
Or maybe I could begin corresponding with the birds. I hear some of them actually blog, too.